I can't believe I am posting again, but I swear I have so much in my head.....
I used to cry in the car. I had a 40 minute drive one way to work so I did all my crying in the car. I couldn't cry at home because it would lead to a fight. So, for 80 minutes a day, I would cry in the privacy of my car and mourn the loss of the child I thought I was going to have. I can't believe I never caused an accident.
If I cried at home, Tim said that I couldn't love Nate the way he was. By God, that was the way God made Nate and Tim would love him no matter what! He didn't understand the mourning I was going through. Sometimes I wonder how our marriage survived. I think that having a special needs child is one of those big stressers on a marriage...right up there with losing a job and building a house.
My first thoughts when I was sitting in the neurologist's office that first day was "I CAN NEVER DIE!" I can't die.....what would happen to Nate if I died????????? I am sure that all parents think this, but you also know that your children will grow up and be able to care for and support themselves. This is not the case with Nate and now Noah.
I carry this thought with me daily.....it's heavy.
Oh, Stacey, I'm so happy that you are posting and saying those thoughts that people think they need to keep to themselves. As I've said over and over: thank God that Noah and Nate have you for a parent. You do love them the way they are - but you also mourn for the children they aren't.
ReplyDeleteWhat your marriage lives with, special needs children, is far, far more more stresssful than losing a job or building a house.
Stacey, I'm following !!! I understand how you feel. I remember the morning at the lounge door as you held it open and made the comment to me about how you could never die and leave your child. I looked at you and said "do you realize who you are talking to?" Being the mother of a special child, we had the same feeling. I told you that we had to have the faith and continue on the best we could. I have been sorting through papers and finding all the notes I had written for the book I was going to write. Maybe someday I will work throught this and write it, in spite of the difficult times with dealing with emotions. Love to you !!!! Ruthie
ReplyDelete