Private Practice again.....

Tuesday night's episode of Private Practice did it again.  They totally nailed my feelings.  I'll give you the synopsis.  Addison just adopted a baby boy.  Her sister-in-law, Amelia, is pregnant and just learned that the baby she is carrying does not have a brain.  Amelia is angry....so angry.  She can't look at Addison or her new baby.  In this scene, Amelia is saying all the things I wish I had the courage to say 12 years ago.  I was told that I couldn't be angry, that I had no right to be angry. 


Well, I was angry.  I was bitter.  After we got Nate's diagnosis, I couldn't look at other kids.  It just depressed me.  I pulled away from my best friend from high school.  She had two typical boys and I didn't.  We had been college roommates and in each other's weddings, but I couldn't talk to her.  I wanted what she had so badly, that it made me ashamed of myself.  It also made me feel like such a failure.  Why couldn't I produce a typical child?  What did I do wrong?


My friend and I have recently reconnected and had dinner a few weeks ago.  We talked about my feelings and she told me that she understood why I had to pull away.  She knew that I just needed time.  I'm getting there.  I like to hear stories about her boys.....their accomplishments, but I still get a pang.  At least now I know that that's ok.  

This scene is fabulous.  You can feel Amelia's pain and hurt for her.  I admire her strength and honesty.

still angry

A friend and I were talking today about Easter plans and church. I mentioned that I wouldn't be going because I was still so angry about the boys. She corrected me. I was angry about Noah. Not all the boys, just Noah. She was right.

When I was pregnant with Noah, I prayed and prayed that he wouldn't have autism. I was convinced that God wouldn't let it happen again. Twice was one thing, but a third? He couldn't be that cruel. I said these words very often to myself and others. I actually thought that my third child would be able to help Nick care for Nate when they were older. I thought that Nick would have a sibling to play with. I thought everything would be ok.

I still can't let go of my anger. It fuels me in my war. It's what helps my fight for all the help and services that my boys need. I just hope it won't consume me.

Getting Noah's diagnosis broke my heart......and, worse, it broke my faith.