Nick's Valentines

Nick was sitting at the table tonight writing names on Valentines for his class party tomorrow.  He suddenly got up and ran down the hall.  I asked him where he was going and his reply was, "You'll see."  I followed him just in time to see him coming out of Nate's room.  I asked him if he made a Valentine for Nate.  His answer, "Yes, and I hid it under his pillow.  It's a surprise."

This is just another example of how much Nick worships his older brother.  It has never mattered to Nick that he has surpassed Nate in so many ways.  All he knows is that his older brother is the best.

I am sometimes amazed by his adoration for Nate.  I know he loves his brother, but this is more than that.  He truly accepts Nate for who he is....and who he isn't.  He has never complained when Nate has been the cause of a sudden change of plans or making us late for something.  He doesn't make fun of Nate when he is having a meltdown or exhibiting some strange behavior.  When we moved Nate out of the room with Nick, Nick was a little sad.  When I asked him why, he told me that he would miss all the conversations that he and Nate would have when they went to bed.  Now, you know as well as I do, that Nate never said a word.  However, Nick is convinced that Nate was a very active participant in these conversations.

I only hope that when Nick is a teenager, he still thinks that Nate is as awesome as he does now.  I hope that peer pressure or outside influences won't tarnish his love for his older brother.  Just think what a great place the world would be if everyone thought like Nick.......

Now if I could only get Nick to feel the same way about his little brother........

It's Letter Day

It's Letter Day in St. Louis.  Today is the day that incoming Freshman get a letter letting them know which private high school they will go to next year.  Nate should be in 8th grade.  He should be getting his letter today......not that Tim would agree to private school....but all the same.  It's another childhood ritual that my child is not able to participate in.

The kids at school were very excited about it today.  They couldn't wait to get home and check the mail.  I know that Tim would never agree to send the boys to a private school, but it would be nice to have the option.  For the first time I realized that Nate is their age.  It's so easy to think he's younger, since, developmentally he is.

Here are more rites of passage that autism has robbed me of:

first boy/girl party
calling a girl for the first time
driving Nate and a date to the movies and either sitting 5 rows behind them or waiting for them in the lobby
teaching Nate to always open the door for girls
watching Nate play football while Tim is his coach
studying and practicing for his driving test
teaching him how to drive a stick shift
looking at collages
studying for finals
helping him with his homework

I knew it would be hard for me when Nate got to be the same age or older than the students I am teaching.  Before, I didn't really have anything to measure the amount of divide between Nate and other kids his age. Now that I do, it kinda sucks.

Maybe I should file a civil suit against autism.  Can I put a price tag on what autism has taken from us?  Is it possible to define your dreams in dollars and cents?  Would any amount of money fix my broken heart?

I think I will always be mourning the loss of the child I thought I was going to have.