still angry

A friend and I were talking today about Easter plans and church. I mentioned that I wouldn't be going because I was still so angry about the boys. She corrected me. I was angry about Noah. Not all the boys, just Noah. She was right.

When I was pregnant with Noah, I prayed and prayed that he wouldn't have autism. I was convinced that God wouldn't let it happen again. Twice was one thing, but a third? He couldn't be that cruel. I said these words very often to myself and others. I actually thought that my third child would be able to help Nick care for Nate when they were older. I thought that Nick would have a sibling to play with. I thought everything would be ok.

I still can't let go of my anger. It fuels me in my war. It's what helps my fight for all the help and services that my boys need. I just hope it won't consume me.

Getting Noah's diagnosis broke my heart......and, worse, it broke my faith.