Friday, October 14, 2016

I can't die...

When I first heard Nate's diagnosis from the neurologist, my first thought was, "I can never die."  Truer words have never been spoken.

This past April, I was diagnosed with breast cancer.  It happened very quickly.  I went from noticing something on my breast to a double mastectomy within three and a half weeks.  I started chometherapy treatments a month after that and will begin radiation next week.  My prognosis is good, but I can't begin to tell you how worried I was about the boys.

Nate has handled this very well.  I think he is so much in his own world that he didn't realize I was in bed most of the summer.  He was happy with his job at TJMaxx and was staffed most of the summer.

Nick was constantly worried.  We tried to keep him busy by taking a summer school class and with football practice, but he worried and became angry.  He would often ask me, "How many cancer cells are left in your body?"  I could only tell him hopefully none.

Noah had a rough summer.  He didn't understand why Mommy was always in bed and he wasn't allowed in there with me.  There were days that I was so sick from the chemo I couldn't have him laying on me.  We had him staffed almost every waking moment, but he still could sense that something was wrong.

Since I knew I would lose my hair, I gradually cut it shorter.  I thought this would make it easier on the boys.  When it was time to shave my head, we did it at home and let them watch.  We tried to make it as normal as possible...."Mommy is getting a haircut."  Noah loved to sit next to me and rub my head.

I tried to go start the school year teaching, but after 2 days, I just couldn't do it.  It was too exhausting.  I came home from school those nights and went straight to bed.  I couldn't parent my kids (who need a lot of parenting).  I plan to return to school at the beginning of next semester.

It's been a hard six months.  Many times I wanted to quit the treatment because it was so hard.  I am glad I didn't quit.  I am their advocate.  I am their fighter.  I am their warrior.  I am their mother.  I will not let this cancer prevent me from that.

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