We almost lost my mother-in-law last night. She's been ill for a while and took a turn for the worse last night. We were all called to the hospital, luckily she pulled through. As we were waiting for word from the doctor, I wondered......how do I handle a death with the boys????
Nick will understand and work through it. It may take him a while to work through his emotions, but we can work with his people at school and his therapist. It's amazing how black and white his mind is. When Tim told him today that she was sick, he asked if she was going to die. Tim told him that she almost did last night and Nick's response was that since she didn't, she was ok. She is far from ok.
I wonder about Nate and Noah.....How do you explain death to these two? It's not even a word in their very limited vocabulary. They couldn't be present for the wake......I'm afraid they would try to wake her up or something that people would find very offensive. Nick couldn't handle the wake either. His anxiety would totally take over. He would pace and pace.
As I laid awake last night I wondered if Nate and Noah would even notice that she wasn't around any more. I like to think that they would. They love her very much. Especially Nate, they share a special bond. But, what would I do when Nate says, "I want Ma."? Will I just tell him that she's not home? I honestly don't know. I have never thought about this. I have worried about so many things, but not this. Now I guess it's time to start.
Another thought crossed my mind last night. If I died, would Nate and Noah realize I was gone? Would they mourn me? Would Tim ever tell them even though they couldn't understand? Would they know that I had loved them with every ounce of my being?
Stacey, Nate and Noah would realize that you were gone, and they would mourn. You would know better than I if they would understand, but few young children (Nate and Noah will continue to fit in that category, I assume) understand death.
ReplyDeleteI is clear to me that the boys know you love them even more closely than others in their extended family although how they emotionally define that love, you know better than I.
I think your biggest challenge is helping them understand that even if someone "goes away," that person is still close to them and loves them. You know best, but continuously telling them, "she's not home," might not help them understand that they are not abandoned, but are still important and loved even if Ma had to go away and "live" somewhere else. You have to fit decide how you can incorporate your religious beliefs into the explanation. It is probably important that they experience someone they love dying before they have to experience the loss of you or Tim.
Just some ideas. I'm sure their therapist also has some suggestions. The boys will feel your loss, so I'm glad your are thinking of how to prepare them before the event.
Please know that I am thinking of you and Tim as you experience the near death of a parent.
Love you, Stacey.