It's Letter Day

It's Letter Day in St. Louis.  Today is the day that incoming Freshman get a letter letting them know which private high school they will go to next year.  Nate should be in 8th grade.  He should be getting his letter today......not that Tim would agree to private school....but all the same.  It's another childhood ritual that my child is not able to participate in.

The kids at school were very excited about it today.  They couldn't wait to get home and check the mail.  I know that Tim would never agree to send the boys to a private school, but it would be nice to have the option.  For the first time I realized that Nate is their age.  It's so easy to think he's younger, since, developmentally he is.

Here are more rites of passage that autism has robbed me of:

first boy/girl party
calling a girl for the first time
driving Nate and a date to the movies and either sitting 5 rows behind them or waiting for them in the lobby
teaching Nate to always open the door for girls
watching Nate play football while Tim is his coach
studying and practicing for his driving test
teaching him how to drive a stick shift
looking at collages
studying for finals
helping him with his homework

I knew it would be hard for me when Nate got to be the same age or older than the students I am teaching.  Before, I didn't really have anything to measure the amount of divide between Nate and other kids his age. Now that I do, it kinda sucks.

Maybe I should file a civil suit against autism.  Can I put a price tag on what autism has taken from us?  Is it possible to define your dreams in dollars and cents?  Would any amount of money fix my broken heart?

I think I will always be mourning the loss of the child I thought I was going to have.